If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”