What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
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Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
LOL
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma