If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
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Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week