You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.