I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
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“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition