I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[montage of me giving-up]
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*