“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!