Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
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[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?