Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Spring of Deception
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”