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I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*lint rolls you awake*
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.