[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
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how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Breaking news:
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table