Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
God, I love Scotland
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I love you to the refrigerator and back
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.