when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
this article brought to you by lions
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.