Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.