When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
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Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh