Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
they should invent a rest for the wicked
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy