If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
You Might Also Like
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever