“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
This squirrel eats better than I do
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x