I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
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If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly