Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
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If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.