1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
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I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
let’s discuss
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in