[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
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My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
What is going on? 😅
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.