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Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt