Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
There is no “we” in pizza
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?