I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
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Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
When I laugh on my period
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.