The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
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*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Is this the real life?
Is this just