bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild