Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
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Just try sunny side up
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought