Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
You Might Also Like
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Just as the prophecy foretold
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Can’t. Being lazy.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”