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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
You can’t outrun your problems…
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Squirrels before girls.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.