Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
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2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Customer is always right
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
#inspiration #foodforthought
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.