I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.