I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
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Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Ion see the issue
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.