*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.