Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
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Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’