You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
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I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
smartest karate player in the world
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this