I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
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Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Livid.