3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
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If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
The pasta is now
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
This is the one
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.