son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No