Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
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I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
got so much cardio in today
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.