Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Finally!
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.