her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
You Might Also Like
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
they really do be looking like this
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”