Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.