Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
this article brought to you by lions
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Sooo many times…..
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.