My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music