NOT all policemen are strippers.
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[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really