We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised