My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird