Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
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Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair