Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.